Girl Talk

There are many topics, including some basic health concerns, that women in Pakistan feel awkward discussing even with their doctors. Where then would they find answers to their questions or get an opportunity to have a no-holds-barred ‘girlie talk’?

The answer was online.

Soon enough online discussion groups exclusively for women became a sanctuary where issues related to intimate details of one’s married life to problems with in-laws to common infections in women and their cures were freely discussed.

With time this online secret safe haven became too public, polluting its sanctity.

Scandalous talk gave way to recipes for sauce or where to take salsa lessons for example. What was once taboo transitioned into regular chit-chat about movies, obsessing over the latest shows and even playing antakshari.

Speaking about all-women online communities, Sharmeen Asim, administrator of a female-only group on Facebook, shared with Geo.tv, “I wanted to make women around the globe feel empowered and confident about themselves.” 

For H*, a homemaker, such groups gave a semblance of a social life by providing a safe gateway to remain connected without leaving her home. As someone whose social movement is significantly restricted due to societal norms, she thinks that these groups helped her in getting in touch with new people, making her feel she wasn’t alone in how she felt about a number of issues.

“At times, I felt isolated in my personal life as people around me were not able to understand me but in one of the groups I found people who got my jokes, with whom I could openly discuss things,” H* says requesting her identity remain confidential.

Another active member, Pakistani-British Kiran Farooque, had similar reasons for joining one of the groups. Kiran moved to England over a decade ago and has no Pakistani-origin friends there.

“I haven't visited Pakistan in more than five years....The group made me realise that as a Pakistani woman, you have similar struggles and childhood experiences that remain the same no matter where you are in the world - some things that your non-Pakistani friends are unable to understand,” she says adding, “It’s [the group is] literally like hanging out with your girlfriends...online!"

However, there are women who feel the groups no longer hold the same charm.

“I (still) like being in these groups, but honestly with time I've developed a certain distance,” explains Mashal Raheel, who moderates one of the groups. Raheel says she finds the topics being discussed are too diverse now adding “I am generally happier being on groups with a more focused purpose such as beauty, pets or food, rather than one that aims to cater to all women.”

Breach of trust

The online space, meant as a safe place to freely discuss interests and issues, soon turned ugly when some members began sharing posts discussed with an understanding of confidentiality on other public forums. Mean comments, vile accusations and judgement from others followed. To help overcome the issue women began posting anonymously.

But that isn’t how the groups were meant to operate.

Weighing in on the matter, Mashal Raheel says that anonymous posts are “the result of a lack of acceptance on a lot of issues. I still feel sometimes things on these groups get pretty nasty and a lot of people are actually following them more for the masala rather than helping or empowering others.”

Another member, U*, shares, “It’s a good platform for people to discuss situations and problems, and most responses are helpful. It’s just that sometimes people get really offensive towards the person who posts anonymously or to those who comment on that post.”

Further, she says that issues arise when some women take screenshots of certain posts and share it with the poster’s family members with vicious intent.

Speaking on condition of anonymity a survivor of online bullying shares, “the amount of intolerance in this country is very infuriating. I shared a personal incident assuming it to be safe but that trust was breached. The moral brigade was quick to banish me to purgatory so I repent for my sins. There were some, very few, women who defended my rights but the overwhelmingly negative responses was very disheartening.”

Perhaps trusting a community with more than hundreds of women very naive of her, she says she realised later. Despite her unfortunate experience she believes that the positives of such communities outweigh the negative aspects.

Safety concerns are not necessarily shared by all the members of such communities. Sharmeen feels completely safe while sharing experiences on such groups. These groups do provide a “good medium for women to exchange their views on matter,” she says then firmly adds “but these groups should not be used to create problems for people and women should give fair and unbiased advice.”

*Individual requested anonymity