'How do I tell my young daughter why I divorced her father?'

Hello Haya!

I’m a single mother of a little girl who is constantly trying to make sense of the world around her. My daughter is six years old and very sharp. She knows that her father and I are divorced, but obviously doesn’t understand the reasons behind it. My husband had cheated on me and I immediately filed for divorce.

He never cared for his daughter and my little girl doesn’t even remember her father much. But sometimes she asks me certain questions knowing that many of her friends have both parents who love them and care for them.

I believe that my family and I are enough for our daughter, but I get really scared at times thinking what I’ll do if someday she would ask me about him. I strongly despise that man and want nothing to do with him. He was a careless father who never thought about his daughter’s well-being. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I don’t want to keep my daughter oblivious to the truth once she grows up. Is it selfish of me to think that way?

— A single mom

Dear single mom,

Parenting challenges can bring up a range of emotions, especially when it involves navigating difficult aspects like single parenting, divorce, and the absence of a co-parent.

It's common in your situation to experience a range of feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief or empowerment at times. Each emotion is valid and reflects the complexity of your experience.

I want to acknowledge your courage and bravery for standing up for yourself and doing what is best for you and your daughter and is absolutely okay for you to be feeling how you are.

It's important to recognise that these feelings are part of the grieving process for the loss of a relationship and the shared dreams you may have had for your family. Additionally, they reflect the ongoing adjustment to a new reality and the challenges of single parenting.

It's clear that you deeply care for your daughter and want what's best for her. Your concerns about how to handle questions about her father are valid and understandable. It's important to remember that children often ask questions based on their curiosity and observations of their surroundings, and their understanding evolves as they grow older.

Right now, your daughter is navigating her world with the information she has, which includes knowing her parents are divorced. As she matures, she may naturally begin to ask more detailed questions about her father. When those moments come, it's okay to provide age-appropriate information. You don't need to go into all the complexities, but you can share that her father isn't involved in her life without going into negative details about him.

It's not selfish to want to protect your daughter from painful truths or situations that might confuse or upset her unnecessarily. Even though you strongly despise your ex-husband and want nothing to do with him, you need to be mindful about how you project your feelings or experience of him on to your daughter and as she grows, she will likely form her own conclusions and feelings about her father based on her experiences and the information available to her and the truth.

Your role is to provide a loving and stable environment for her, which you are clearly doing.

Providing negative information to a child at a young age, may have very long-term negative impacts on their personality.

If you find yourself struggling with these thoughts or feeling overwhelmed, it could be helpful to talk to a therapist yourself. They can provide support and guidance as you navigate these challenging aspects of parenting.

Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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