'Worrying about my ageing parents' health keeps me anxious'

Dear Haya,

I’m writing to you with a very frustrating query. Both my parents, who are in their late 50s and early 60s are very very stubborn.

Both of them have certain medical issues that can lead to major problems, but they are never ready to acknowledge it and visit a doctor. It is very rare that they would agree to go see a doctor when they are unwell, but most of the time it is them resorting to self-medication.

Being their daughter, I worry a lot of their health and their inflexible behaviour often impacts my mental health as I keep worrying about them round the clock. They just never consider how anxious and distressed I feel about their nonchalant attitude towards their health, as they age with time.

Please help me understand how to deal with it without compromising my own mental health in the process.

— A worried daughter

Dear worried daughter,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. It is understandable how frustrating and emotionally stressful it can be when loved ones, especially parents, refuse to prioritise their health. You’re coming from a place of deep care and worry, which makes the situation all the more challenging when they don’t respond as you hope.

First, it is important to recognise that you can’t control their decisions, but you can control your response and do the best possible of what is in your control.

I hear your concern about how they don’t consider how anxious and distressed you feel about their nonchalant attitude towards their health. Let’s explore this further.

First and foremost, I invite you to begin by reflecting on what comes up for you when you see them behave this way. What lies underneath that worry, anxiousness and distress? Get curious about your own emotions and how you are really feeling beneath it all.

Next, I would encourage you to communicate openly with your parents and express to them how you feel about it. Often, people — including those we care about — aren’t aware of how their actions impact our well-being. We may assume they should know, but that’s not always the case. Express how you really feel about their health and the impact of what goes on with you when you see them not seeking medical treatment. Sometimes, phrasing your feelings in terms of how you’re feeling and the impact their actions are having on you and affecting your well-being can resonate more than focusing on the need for them to take action.

Additionally, check in with how they’re feeling and get curious and explore with them what might be causing their neglect. They may be grappling with feelings they haven’t addressed, which show up as avoidance of the matter.

I also understand that your mental health is being affected by this situation. Setting boundaries around how much energy and emotional space you devote to this can help protect your own mental health. Try to set limits on how much you let their behaviour affect your peace of mind. You can offer support and guidance, but ultimately, their choices are theirs to make.

Perhaps you could encourage small, manageable steps. Rather than pushing for significant changes, encourage regular checkups or scheduling one doctor's appointment, and offer to accompany them for support.

Perhaps you could encourage small steps. Instead of pushing for large changes, which may feel overwhelming for them, encourage regular checkups or scheduling one doctor's appointment, and offer to accompany them for support. Present it as a proactive approach to prevent larger issues down the line.

Amidst all this, remember to take care of yourself. Don’t forget that your own health and well-being is just as important. Put on your oxygen mask first and then help others. Make time for self-care in ways that work for you and consider talking to a therapist to help manage your anxiety around this issue. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and caring for your mental health will put you in a stronger position to support them.

Lastly, remember that change takes time, and they may need to come to their own realisation about the importance of their health. In the meantime, focus on what you can do to maintain your mental and emotional balance.

Wishing you strength and peace as you navigate this challenging situation.

Warmly,

Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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