'I struggle with body positivity. How can I feel good about myself?'

Hi Haya,

I’m in my mid-20s and struggle to remain body-positive. I have been working out and taking care of my diet, but this feeling of not looking the best just keeps me mentally exhausted.

It has affected my self-esteem a lot and leaves me cautious about my choice of clothing. My mental health has been impacted a lot due to this and I just don’t feel great enough with regards to my physical appearance.

The fact that I can’t lose enough weight and look pretty leaves me depressed and gives me immense anxiety, especially when I’m going out with family and friends.

Please tell me how to get over this negative feeling?

Hi,

It sounds like you're in a place of deep inner conflict — on one hand, you're actively taking care of your body, but on the other, you feel disconnected from the results, and it's weighing heavily on your self-worth. I want to acknowledge how exhausting it must be to feel like you're not "enough," despite all the effort you're putting in. This internal struggle can understandably lead to anxiety, making everyday situations, like socialising, feel overwhelming.

When we get caught in negative thoughts about our appearance, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that external realities often reflect our internal ones. Without taking the time to explore and address what’s beneath the surface, it can feel like we’re stuck in a never-ending cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction. I’d like to invite you to take a closer look at the emotions and beliefs fuelling these feelings, so we can start to shift them with more compassion and understanding.

You mentioned feeling like you're not "looking the best" or "good enough." I encourage you to exploring what “looking the best” and “good enough” mean and to reflect on what these terms really mean to you. What does "looking the best" actually look like, and what does it mean to be "good enough"? These standards may be influenced by messages from outside sources — media, family, friends, or past experiences — but it's essential to examine where these beliefs come from. Whose voice are you really hearing when you say you're not good enough? What would it look like to question these standards and define "enough" for yourself, based on what truly matters to you?

When we focus on physical appearance as our primary source of validation, it’s easy to become frustrated when our efforts don’t lead to immediate or lasting changes. Your frustration with not losing enough weight or not looking "pretty enough" may be a sign that you’re seeking validation outside of yourself. How do you typically respond to those feelings of frustration? Does it turn inward, leading to self-criticism or inadequacy? This might signal an unmet emotional need for belonging, acceptance, or validation, which could be playing a larger role in how you view your body.

Much of your anxiety seems to stem from worrying about how you appear to others, especially in social settings. But what if, instead of asking "How do I look?", you shifted your focus to "How do I feel?" Shift your focus from appearance to feeling. When you’re with others, try to notice how you feel in the moment — are there times when you can connect with them without being hyper-aware of your body? Even small moments like this can offer a glimpse into what it’s like to be present without the weight of self-judgment.

I’d also encourage you to reflect on what "beauty" truly means to you beyond the physical. What is your definition of beauty? When you think of someone who embodies beauty, what qualities stand out? It’s often the intangible aspects — kindness, confidence, authenticity — that make someone feel beautiful, not just their outward appearance. How might your definition of beauty evolve if you focused more on inner qualities like strength, compassion, and intelligence, rather than physical traits?

It’s also worth considering what the desire to change your appearance might really be about. Could it be more about wanting to feel accepted or valued rather than aiming for traditional beauty standards? Understanding what emotional needs are at the core of this desire can help you explore how to meet those needs in ways other than through appearance.

Additionally, I’d like to invite you to reflect on how you relate to your body. You’re putting effort into exercise and diet, but how does it feel to nourish your body for its strength or well-being rather than to change its appearance? Explore the relationship you have with your body. Have you noticed times when you feel better mentally or emotionally after engaging in movement or nourishment that isn’t about altering your body, but about caring for it?

Focusing on nourishment rather than appearance can help shift the focus from external validation to internal well-being. When you engage in self-care — whether it’s through exercise, nutrition, or rest — do you feel more connected to your body and less focused on its appearance?

Finally, let’s explore self-compassion. It’s easy to slip into harsh self-criticism when struggling with body image, but I encourage you to speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend. When negative thoughts arise, could you soften your inner dialogue and offer yourself encouragement instead of judgment? Offering yourself empathy can be a powerful first step towards healing.

Big changes can feel overwhelming, which is why small, manageable shifts can be incredibly effective. Perhaps you could start by experimenting with how you speak to yourself in the mirror, or making a list of things you appreciate about yourself, engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Another small change could be practising grounding techniques when you feel anxious about how you look in social settings. Over time, these practices can help reduce anxiety and shift your focus away from appearance-based concerns.

Body image struggles can be difficult, but it’s important to honour where you are in your journey. What small change can you begin with today? Even a small shift can lead to significant changes in how you relate to yourself over time.

You're in a process of growth and change, and it’s okay to not have it all figured out just yet. Be kind to yourself as you continue on this journey towards a healthier relationship with your body and mind.

Remember when you work on the internal, the external starts to shift.

Wishing you healing!

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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