Pakistani parenting: Good, bad, best, and the 'flying chappal' that never misses

As Pakistanis, we have our fair share of differences; from biryani preferences to cricket team players, or from how strong or light our chai (tea) should be, to choosing between Gulab-jamuns and Jalebis. However, there’s one thing that unites us all, and that is the compilation of memes about our parents and childhood experiences. From Kashmir to Karachi, every child has gone through almost the same phases of melodrama and threats from their mothers, like "kahan hai meri chappal?" (Where is my slipper?), or deadly stares from our fathers after saying, "go stand in the corner."

Despite belonging to such diverse backgrounds and households, why are our parenting practices so similar? Whether it’s our mothers’ guilt-shaming us into doing chores or our fathers initiating a punctuality drill to arrive somewhere three hours early, why are these practices so common? We will discuss a few widely accepted parenting styles observed by psychologists, and explore which parenting method Pakistani children are most often subjected to.

Every meme-worthy situation has a parenting philosophy inside it.

Authoritarian style: "kiyoon kay mainay keh dia hai, bas" (Because I said so, that's it) — where the rules are strict, and children are obliged to follow them without any objection. Children exposed to such parenting constantly seek validation from authority figures as adults because they grow up with comparatively low self-esteem.

Permissive method: This is the opposite of the authoritarian style, as parents practising this style try to act like friends, giving in to every demand of their child, whether reasonable or not, just to be seen as friendly. While fostering emotional bonds is essential for a child's mental development, absence of boundaries often results in entitled behaviour and disrespect, which is later frowned upon even by the parents who allowed it.

Neglectful nurturing: In this style, parents are distant and uninvolved. They are ignorant of their child’s needs, whether knowingly or subconsciously, leading to emotionally disturbed children who struggle with intimate/social relationships and self-worth later in life.

Authoritative way: If you were raised through this parenting method, then you’ve hit the jackpot! Because this my dear reader, is the sweet spot! It is a healthy mix of freedom and disciplinary tactics. Kids are nurtured to have exploratory behaviour, while also respecting rules and knowing their limits. This method in the long run is by far the most productive one since it shapes you into a confident individual with sound judgment.

Modern parenting techniques are an amalgam of some widely known behaviours, for example, helicopter or hummingbird parenting, where parents are constantly hovering above you, micromanaging every single move of yours, and denying you enough personal space. Similarly, myriad new methods are being uncovered as the research is expanding.

When it comes to the parenting methods in Pakistan then various studies show that majorly authoritarian parenting style, and recently helicopter parenting method is used here, making kids either overly submissive or excessively rebellious.

My uncle often shared how, when his father would come home from work, they couldn't even imagine being in the same room with him.

His orders were treated as commands to be obeyed without fail, regardless of what his children were dealing with at the time.

If you were never threatened with a slipper, a belt, or even your own homework notebook, you clearly weren't raised in a desi household.

Pakistani parents believe in ‘tough love’, not understanding its impact on their children.

A desi household has its essence and charms but the relationship between a parent and their child should not be overshadowed by the ‘traditions’ or ‘quirks’ of the parenting dynamic. Not being expressive with your fathers, or getting bruised by your mother is not, and should never be normalized despite the relatable humour attached to it on social media. Watching those hilarious skits of parents depicting fathers as emotionally distant and uninvolved, while portraying mothers as overly obsessive and quick to lose their temper with their children glued to reels, reinforces and conventionalises these behaviours by making us believe that such dynamics are universal and acceptable, especially through the mass consumption of cross-border memes and content which we all find very appealing. Yes, it’s understandable that the content resonates with your experiences, but in no way is it a sign for you to keep these practices still alive.

Repercussions:

• This normalisation of parenting style is nothing to be proud of, it is creating a “follower mentality” because obedience is the core quality of being a good kid. And such obeying kids can never take a stand for themselves later.
• Furthermore, the constant fear of punishment or disapproval results in chronic stress, leading to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
• Since children are rarely allowed to make decisions, their autonomy is extinguished resulting in their struggle with independence and critical thinking. This can hinder their ability to make choices and solve problems later in life.

Children raised in authoritarian households often feel undervalued as their thoughts, opinions, and emotions are frequently dismissed. They may grow up doubting their abilities and worth because their viewpoint was always undermined.

Similarly, in helicopter parenting, children eventually find loopholes and secret ways to bypass their parents to fulfill even their simplest desires. So, what's better: giving your child some space while simultaneously providing guidance, and allowing them to turn to you when needed, or constantly hovering over them and making "no" as your default answer? This often leads children to hide and run away from you to complete tasks that you could have been a part of in the first place.

Most millennials are now trying to break this rigid cycle of parenting by building friendly relationships with their kids. They are trying to move away from this ‘my way or highway’ approach and are focusing on being emotionally available to their kids and being more empathetic towards their feelings and actions. Parents are now making efforts to not dismiss any of their children’s actions, or not to object/condemn their faulty behaviour under the name of their unconditional love. However, this creates some lapses, which need to be addressed timely as well as effectively. Sometimes, such a form of relationship with your child blurs out the boundaries that are essential to exist between a parent and a kid. Millennials may struggle with setting clear limits, as they might fear being seen as authoritarian. This can result in children testing boundaries more often or struggling with discipline. Additionally, the constant push from parents to get emotionally involved might not be positively received by the children, as they feel like their parents are becoming overindulgent.

Balancing the role of a friend and a parent is a challenge, and when not executed properly, it can result in a lack of structure that is essential for a child's growth. It’s essential to understand that we can’t limit our parenting practices to some categories, instead, there is a spectrum where they all lie. Hence, it's all about maintaining that equilibrium!

"In Pakistan, the only therapy parents believe in is a good ‘old-fashioned’ lecture and a cup of chai!" this is a line that I read online but it always gets me.

In many Pakistani households, the idea of seeking professional help for child-rearing issues is often met with resistance or scepticism. Parents may feel that counselling or therapy is unnecessary, opting instead for traditional methods because they went through the same process as well, so what’s wrong with it now? This reflects the cultural mindset of our community on a broader level, which feels no shame in jeopardising the mental and emotional wellbeing of an entire youth through their parental practices.

• • Hence parental counseling and therapy sessions should be a must requirement for every parent-to-be. And in a society like Pakistan where there is still such a huge stigma attached to going to a counsellor, we need to psycho-educate every individual through whatever means possible.
• • For instance, introducing short courses on child psychology or family psychology in every university, for every student, regardless of their department, can be a small step that could lead to a greater change for our future youth.

In the end, it is important to know that parenting is not a child’s play, you are raising, nurturing and shaping another human being. Hence, it is also necessary to modify our parenting methods according to the need of time and requirements of the situation, because, in the end, we all want our children to be raised as confident, independent, stable, and emotionally thriving individuals. Yes, there are some practices, that being a Pakistani parent we cannot let go of, since they are so deep-rooted in our culture, tradition, and societal norms. Still, we need to embrace the gaps in our parenting and accept new ideas and methodologies for the sake of our families’ stability, and the future of our children.